I regret all this time because of such people. I wish I could just rewind the time; go back and teach myself never to trust anyone like that. I wish I was able to see through people because even when they break my heart; I keep on expecting from them, I keep on thinking of all the good they ever did to me. I wish i could tear myself apart and fit in a heart that doesnt feel anything for anyone. I wish I could understand I was walking with no one in a crowd full of people who dont give a fuck. I wish life could be easy on me for even once because through out my life the people I trusted the most backed off in hard times; they didnt walk with me when I needed them the most. Instead of holding me up, they always pushed me down and down; deeper into the darkness. Those whom I thought would make me shine; made me dim. I wish I could be my own sun, my own star, my own sky. I wish I had never depended on anyone for myself. So many wishes yet none to come true. I wish I was never a part of this world.
Cant rhyme anymore, cant jot down my feelings on a piece of paper like I used to before. Why is that so? I dun know. Maybe it’s because the words that used to honor the papers, now stay inside me; taking shape of a tornado that swirls on the lands of loneliness every day. Maybe I’ve lost the courage to tell the world what I really feel for I have no more trust on anyone. Maybe I’m too scared to be hurt again; too cringed to even crawl. Maybe I’m so occupied by my thoughts; thoughts on how to escape this world of selfishness. Whatever the reason! Whatever the cause! Today I sit to write for I’m too full. I want to let out the storm inside me. Why do I feel so much? Why do I fall again and again? Why cant I learn from my mistakes? Why do I look for love in this world? This craving kills me inside, pinches me down to the ground. How can I match the ultimate criteria of being loved? This question drives me crazy, shakes me inside. It’s devastating that I still cant write anything; it’s depriving that I am out of words again; it’s dejecting that I am not a writer anymore. Words used to flow through me like water through the seas. Now it’s not like that! I keep on writing and erasing. I dont know how this would get back to normal but like any other individual; I miss myself; the old me. I miss how I used to be oblivious of the cruelties of life, ignorant of this hollow world. I miss my innocence, miss the happy me. I wish I could just rotate the hands of clock back to the good times with no worries. It’s funny yet it’s what my soul yearns for.
They often make fun of how much vulnerable I am; throwing buckets full of sarcasm in my face on how emotional I am. Isn’t it funny that the people I put up higher there up in the sparkling sky consider me a useless particle of the sand on ground. They think I am super emotional and being that is so not cool. They think I am easily breakable yet they always forget it’s they themselves who break me. I feel like the most hollow person from inside. I have nothing inside me. The places I thought i had filled inside me with my people, are empty. I read somewhere that at the end it’s just you who stands strong beside yourself; no one literally no one stays forever. There is an end to every emotional bond you make. Whether it’s just in my head or it’s just bad time triggering my gloomy hormones to think of all the worst stuff in my life, I feel crestfallen and scared of these dark rooms I live in. I tell people I forget stuff easily so no matter how harsh something goes on me; a break of sleep will mend it all. But hardly anyone knows it keeps building inside me; it keeps haunting me always. When ever something goes wrong around me; it’s kind of an emotional tornado that hits me and all the bad memories flash around, telling me how lonely I am. I have people in my life that I love, i cherish. I can never forget how they stood firm with me at times; I keep reminding myself of how they care for me, they love me. But somehow I dun know why there is something that lacks. There is always a part that’s left blank for me in their life. Maybe they have different preferences but why is it that I am left alone at the end. Ah! It’s the same stuff I keep talking about again and again. Sorry but that’s how my life spins. I can’t help writing about my emotional rides.
We live in this world of glitter and gold; fancy shoes walking around with fancy faces. We see people like they are all the same, different faces; walking in different shoes yet same levels. We make our world, we choose a few faces out of those millions and put them right there inside us. We seed them in our hearts like plants. We water them; scared of losing them. We think they are different of the lot and we keep telling ourselves they belong to our world yet we forget they have one too. They might be part of our world but they have their own world too where along with us; stand a few more faces. We harken back to the fact of them having a whole distinct garden than ours. We might have planted their seed in our heart yet many more have those seeds rooted deep inside them already. It’s just that we think like we have built a small world; everyone else has too. Yet it’s not true. Our small world might hold a few faces in it however those few faces might have bigger and bigger worlds of their own too. That’s life my love! That’s where expectations come hitting us head on our faces. We need to stop this fight with our ourselves. We need to know that not everyone can stand up to our expectation. I am oftenly told i am super emotional and i am fool to be that way. How can that be true when I feel being that emotional is kind of a strength for me. I feel more than the rest of the lot so I take care and read even the minute details of my people’s expressions. Isn’t it beautiful? Maybe I feel happy in my world; cherishing every second that circles around my people. Maybe I am wrong to expect from them to feel the same for me. May be it’s all my fault to think like my world ends with my people; their world end with me too. Maybe I need to grow it up. Or Maybe it’s all bullshit to think all that for i am glad living in this smaller than the smallest world of me.
You can say I’m going through a tornado of emotions and sentiments. You can say I’m entrapped in it from ever since I realized people are meant to be lost. You can say I’m still fighting this fact, harder and harder everyday. You can say I won’t ever be able to achieve victory for I don’t want to. You can say I might lose myself in this war. Well! I don’t mind losing myself to something I picture in my world. Sadly! My world is way too different from the real one. Alas! I belong to a world of glitter and gold whereas the one I dream of is made of soil. We belong to a world where from birth till death, we keep on losing. From the day one of someone cupping our firm, gentle faces till the last day of someone holding on to our trembling breaths, we just lose. Whether it’s the cells inside us that die each day or the sense of love that diminishes with every hit we get from this world. We are taught to lose. We see people living so practically and we admire that. We prefer looking happy over being happy for real. We make ourselves too vulnerable to the world. We allow people to use us and we love being used. We love how others violate and scar our souls. We love a scarred soul over a pure one. That is why we fall for traps; we stumble over the rocks of infatuation. We crave reaching for love yet we forget we can’t love someone else if we don’t know how to love our ownselves. We destruct our ownselves for others. We keep on losing till we become someone we are not. We live like that? Naah! We die like that. We walk around in a world full of dead souls trying to satisfy themselves with the love of world. My dear! That’s not the love we need. That’s not what will fulfil us. That’s not the real picture. Not at all.
- Is it the time that’s flying so fast?
- Or is it my heart racing out?
- Is it the fall that wont ever last?
- Or is it the winters with drought?
- Could it get worse than this day?
- Could viability be my fate?
- Could it be possible for you to stay?
- Could it make love beat the hate?
- Penning you another time this night,
- Yes! The stars brought you back in,
- It’s hard to escape from this height,
- It’s hard to forget how we had been,
- Those moments of us are compiled in my heart,
- Yes! These tears are a proof of the pain,
- It’s hard at this time to make another start,
- It’s hard to get off your love stain,
- This fire you set in won’t calm down,
- Yes! These scars won’t let you fade away,
- It’s hard to find my home in your town,
- It’s hard now for you to stay…
- These stars i see in your eyes,
- A whole different universe you carry with you,
- A shimmer that lightens up all these skies,
- Ah! It’s not for me! Not for my world too!
- Oh! You belong to another universe,
- You’re the sun of some other galaxy,
- You’re the moon which is cursed,
- Ah! I still keep drowning in your sea.
They say that those who turn away when needed the most deserve nothing but hatred. But I don’t understand how is it even possible to hate someone whom you have loved all that time. How can you just let yourself walk away from someone whom you’ve been holding hands with all that time on that walk. From where do you get the power to cease the fire that kept you warm in winters. From where do you learn to face the scorching sun of summers. I am still a student. I don’t think I ll ever be able to learn to hate someone I have loved. I know they didn’t match my expectations. I know they were not there when i needed them. I know they made me cry. I know they dropped me down. As William Shakespeare said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache”. But I loved them. I can’t hate them because of me. I can’t allow my subconciousnes to get over my heart. I ‘ll love them. I ‘ll cherish the good days I spent with them. I ‘ll laugh when going through the beautiful memories I made with them. I wont allow the demon to abolish my love for them. They deserve love no matter how harsh they went and I ‘ll love them enough.
Your cold “Byes” to my warm “Hi’s”
Your walking away to my steps forward
My trust on you and your lies
Me standing for you and you being coward
Darling, i rain and rain for your sun
I wish it could make a rainbow
Wish you could be my side in this run
Oh I wish your barrels could be low