Life is a lala land where you get to live under a pink sky and breath fragrant air. Life is all about how fizzy the drinks could get or how gooey a chocolate could taste. Life is so easy and so jolly. Do I sound stupid? Yes ofcourse! Does that make any sense of what I spoke in the beginning about life? No is the answer obviously!
If it is that obvious and that clear, question is “WHY WE PRETEND IT’S THAT EASY?” and “WHY DO WE BASH IT WHEN LIFE HITS HARD?” Speechless?
Let me speak of human nature here! We are manufactured like that. We simply can’t help being dramatic. We want attention. We crave for it until the last sip in the mug. We desire for the undesirable and we trust the untrustable. We want happy endings no matter how bad ass we have been all this time. We pretend that we never saw the dark side of 24 hours and walk through the days as if there won’t be any night. That is when reality spanks our tails. That happens when our trust is broken by the most trustable and our wishes are put second to others. Sadly, it is called part of growing up however it is part of LIFE as a whole and not just aging. We all need reality checks at one time or the other. We all need to be told that every joy ride has an end and we will have to step out of the Disney land one time or the other to face the hardships. So lets not make ourselves fool anymore and eat what’s in the plate regardless of how bitter it is because at the end BITTER IS SWEET…
Even when the sky got a little clear of the stars, my heart still couldn’t take a break from all the people I thought were stars to just my sky. It took me quite a time to realise that no matter what we do, we end up loving the wrong people with wrong hearts at wrong times. No matter how hard we try, we fall in love yet fail to rise. It’s quite obvious that my heart is stained with love and here I am searching for ways to wash it off. Yet hardly this heart knows these stains are like unabsorbable sutures. They ll dissolve with time and heal but they ll never fade away.
So why not just stop fighting this battle. Why not admit this fact that this heart won’t stop loving. What’s so wrong in it anyway. A loving heart may hurt but it lives the pain joyfully. So this ones to love; the bitterest cup of coffee yet who cares! This coffee has me addicted. I love it anyway.
I’ve never been a fan of rains; just liked the dry winds but this dawn was different. As soon as my ears sensed the tripping of raindrops, i came out of my room cursing the rain on spoiling my night. It was until a few minutes that my eyes perceived a clear sky, a soothing cover pouring down the warerdrops with cold breeze. End of June, the peak time for sun to blaze at its utmost yet it couldn’t. It was quite amazing how I loved the rain today just as much as I like the winds. Maybe it was all supposed to happen.
It might sound creepy however I always thought and still think that whatever happens around me happens for me. Maybe I am self centred but that is how it is. And this dawn I sensed how the universe wanted to tell me this too shall end. Whether the hardships are at their peak or there are unlimited trials or tribulations; never lose hope for there is always a break to it. No matter how blazzingly the sun shines upon you, keep faith for you never know when the clouds come along to stand next to you. So this one’s to hope, hope to see soothing blissful mornings in future, a hope that devastation won’t last long. They ll end, they are meant to end.
Yes it is! They say life is about all this. Whatever happens is a part of learning. The longer you fight it, the longer you stay. It is a process of battling all the shit and proving others that you are strong by surviving. It shakes me at this point. Is survival a sign of strength? The longer I live speaks of how well I live? Well if it is so; maybe I am not so strong. Maybe I want to escape all these demanding people; people who keep feeding on my soul yet pour nothing at all into it. Maybe I am so done with double standards; where friendship is just MY-SIDED and it’s me who keeps watering it while the other person chops it down. These days remind me of how hollow my life had always been. Get-togethers, joking around in groups, bunking classes, wandering around with strangers who I thought of to be friends; all that was so temporary, so fake. I usually spoke of how I lived to the fullest from 8am to 3pm everyday when college happened. How silly of me to say it! It was so damn fake all that time. What I thought was mine, never existed. People I thought of to be friends, are strangers. It’s kind of annoying that I am so full of words these days yet I hate writing it down. Maybe my words want me to see the reality yet my heart aches for each soul I ever called MINE.
Disappointments! They come to you in most awkward and weird ways, right when you think life is all about eating vanilla cupcakes. Some did come to me too. Some sound less for each one them weighs like Mount Everest. If only I had known beforehand, circumstances would have been different. But no one knows beforehand. Life is not about the sky being purple and the air being fragrant. It’s dry! It tells you the hardest of stories in the bitterest of ways. It gives you disappointments. Where do they come from? Yes ofcourse PEOPLE! I try staying put on all this but I am dragged back to where it comes from! I try saving my energy from vomiting out their mistakes but this hurts me and you can’t handle what hurts you when. Might sound dizzy but I wish humanity never existed; if it didn’t, life would have been beautiful. The moments where I should have thought that the roots to my sunflowers are rotten and deteriorating the rest of the garden; I kept praising my sunflowers for how radiant they stood out. I wish I could redo it all and be a little less human.
Let’s be honest for a while for I haven’t seen through realities for quite a time by choice. I have often seen people thinking I don’t know much of their cunning moves; hardly they know i have overseen it all and moved on with all their traits. I wonder why do most of the humans underestimate others and shape it all as if the other person is dumbhead. Why do they forget that we all are blessed with brain holding up equal amount of CSF and matters. Why do they think the other person has mere fluid and no matter. Maybe that’s human nature but if it is so; why isn’t it same for everyone. Who cares? No one! Because the more they underestimate me, the better and easier life gets. Well it does hurt at times too but I have learnt much through time. Learnt that everything and everyone is temporarily placed in our lives. The people we think would last like some evergreen whitewash on our house walls, fall off in the rains. The ones who promise to stand there for you, back off when needed for real. It’s all about time. People ain’t bad. It’s just that they have times; more self centred time, less selfless time. Like I said before, nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass. Time will change with new faces and new circumstances.
And it all starts without me. Everything is going so in flow yet it’s not my waves streamlined with the rest of them. Maybe that is how life is; a little sweet to a few and sour to the rest. I always thought circumstances would always guide me out of every pit I put myself in yet that wasn’t the case. Right when I thought my life would be tumor free, a CT and an MRI strikes in, giving all kind of indications of a tumour that is slowly eating me inside. Don’t really know what stage I stand on yet I know this is going to be harder. It ll push me down everytime I try standing up but I need to just keep trying, keep pushing the deadline until I am done. Maybe I die on my way but atleast I won’t have the regret I didnt try. Let’s look forward to putting up something everyday; for I am thinking of giving myself a try.
I regret all this time because of such people. I wish I could just rewind the time; go back and teach myself never to trust anyone like that. I wish I was able to see through people because even when they break my heart; I keep on expecting from them, I keep on thinking of all the good they ever did to me. I wish i could tear myself apart and fit in a heart that doesnt feel anything for anyone. I wish I could understand I was walking with no one in a crowd full of people who dont give a fuck. I wish life could be easy on me for even once because through out my life the people I trusted the most backed off in hard times; they didnt walk with me when I needed them the most. Instead of holding me up, they always pushed me down and down; deeper into the darkness. Those whom I thought would make me shine; made me dim. I wish I could be my own sun, my own star, my own sky. I wish I had never depended on anyone for myself. So many wishes yet none to come true. I wish I was never a part of this world.
Cant rhyme anymore, cant jot down my feelings on a piece of paper like I used to before. Why is that so? I dun know. Maybe it’s because the words that used to honor the papers, now stay inside me; taking shape of a tornado that swirls on the lands of loneliness every day. Maybe I’ve lost the courage to tell the world what I really feel for I have no more trust on anyone. Maybe I’m too scared to be hurt again; too cringed to even crawl. Maybe I’m so occupied by my thoughts; thoughts on how to escape this world of selfishness. Whatever the reason! Whatever the cause! Today I sit to write for I’m too full. I want to let out the storm inside me. Why do I feel so much? Why do I fall again and again? Why cant I learn from my mistakes? Why do I look for love in this world? This craving kills me inside, pinches me down to the ground. How can I match the ultimate criteria of being loved? This question drives me crazy, shakes me inside. It’s devastating that I still cant write anything; it’s depriving that I am out of words again; it’s dejecting that I am not a writer anymore. Words used to flow through me like water through the seas. Now it’s not like that! I keep on writing and erasing. I dont know how this would get back to normal but like any other individual; I miss myself; the old me. I miss how I used to be oblivious of the cruelties of life, ignorant of this hollow world. I miss my innocence, miss the happy me. I wish I could just rotate the hands of clock back to the good times with no worries. It’s funny yet it’s what my soul yearns for.
They often make fun of how much vulnerable I am; throwing buckets full of sarcasm in my face on how emotional I am. Isn’t it funny that the people I put up higher there up in the sparkling sky consider me a useless particle of the sand on ground. They think I am super emotional and being that is so not cool. They think I am easily breakable yet they always forget it’s they themselves who break me. I feel like the most hollow person from inside. I have nothing inside me. The places I thought i had filled inside me with my people, are empty. I read somewhere that at the end it’s just you who stands strong beside yourself; no one literally no one stays forever. There is an end to every emotional bond you make. Whether it’s just in my head or it’s just bad time triggering my gloomy hormones to think of all the worst stuff in my life, I feel crestfallen and scared of these dark rooms I live in. I tell people I forget stuff easily so no matter how harsh something goes on me; a break of sleep will mend it all. But hardly anyone knows it keeps building inside me; it keeps haunting me always. When ever something goes wrong around me; it’s kind of an emotional tornado that hits me and all the bad memories flash around, telling me how lonely I am. I have people in my life that I love, i cherish. I can never forget how they stood firm with me at times; I keep reminding myself of how they care for me, they love me. But somehow I dun know why there is something that lacks. There is always a part that’s left blank for me in their life. Maybe they have different preferences but why is it that I am left alone at the end. Ah! It’s the same stuff I keep talking about again and again. Sorry but that’s how my life spins. I can’t help writing about my emotional rides.